Tuesday September 06, 2005

Back to work today. I don’t mind work. I have a great job but it’s nice to be able to stay home.

After work I gathered my scrapbook supplies and headed to the scrapbook store to crop. I was hoping to finish up Vanessa’s rodeo album I only had about 3 hours. Once again I only managed to get a couple of pages done! UGH!  I didn’t notice that after I got the pictures, stickers and embellishments down that the paper had a 1/4 inch extra strip! I had to pull up and readjust so I could cut that off! I also needed refill pages one more time to finish but the store has them on order. Guess it just wasn’t meant to be today.

I then went home changed clothes and went to ride! YIPPEE! I will be so glad when it’s not so hot and I can ride earlier in the day. I decided to ride my daughter’s/husband’s horse (Clyde the Quarter Horse). He’s not as much fun for me to ride but he hasn’t been ridden in several months besides he was the only one who came up. Anyone who has their own horse knows how I feel. There’s nothing like riding your own mount. I don’t really like the way Clyde moves and he’s so pokey! I like a little spring in my horses step! My Blue gives me that. The ride was good for me though as I did more walking than usual so had more time to really think and take in the scenery. I did get a glimpse of some turkey and nearly stepped on an armadillo! I was hoping to see a deer again but alas there were none! (Sigh) No beautiful sunset tonight either. Hum!

I guess I’m having writers block tonight. I can’t think of anything or I’m just not in the right frame of mind. Can’t decided which it is.

Maybe things will be better tomorrow.

Excerpt from my journal December 2000

 

Dad, am I ever going to get it? How much You love me? How to just be with You without thinking or feeling like I need to do something? I so need a revelation of You . Why can’t I have a revelation?

 

You can

 

Then how come I haven’t had one? I have asked. Why are You denying me an encounter with You?

 

I’m not

 

Well, it feels that way. I don’t understand. I’ve asked You to burden me for the lost, to be an intercessor. I’ve asked You to make me hungrier for You, to increase my passion for You. I’ve asked You to give me hunger for Your word. It seems as though the exact opposite is true. What’s going on?

 

You’ve not worshipped Me.         

 

What?!

 

You’ve stopped worshipping Me.

 

How?!

 

Everything you’ve talked about comes out of a heart to worship. Do you want to see your heart?

 

Not really.

 

You said you didn’t understand. If you look at your heart, it will help you understand. Your heart is the center of who you are and its out of your heart that worship is birthed.

 

Okay. I know I’m not going to like what I see. I’m not sure I can endure it.

 

I will only show you what you can handle.

 

Okay. I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

 

Bitterness, anger, judgement, unforgiveness, self-hatred, selfishness, the need to be right, performance, unrealistic expectations, unbelief, skepticism, fear, denial, lack of trust. Is that enough for now?

 

You mean there’s more?

 

Yes

 

Keep going then. I know I’ve been stopped up spiritually kinda of like our water filter. I’ve been trickling.

 

Perfectionism, critical spirit, issues with control, “do it myself” attitude, deceit, lack of submission,

 

Okay, Okay, I surrender.

 

Do you?

 

Yes, Daddy. I don’t want this stuff in me. What do I do? It seems too much.

 

Take it to the cross. Jesus died that you might not have this stuff.

 

Oh, Jesus, it doesn’t seem fair to bring you all the crud. You deserve so much more.

 

Yes, I deserve so much more and that “so much more” is you and uniting you to the Father.

He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him. John 14:21 NKJV