Wednesday August 31, 2005

Oh man! I dropped a major ball today. I was supposed to lead worship tonight and I totally forgot. I was not even prepared! Two other worship leaders and members of the team bailed me out or I’d been sweating bullets! I still can’t believe I forgot it was my turn! I’m supposed to lead the 2^nd and 5^th Wednesdays of the month. That’s part of the reason I forgot. I had it in my head it was the first Wednesday. Oh well life happens. Thankfully God showed up in the midst of my blunder! I had a hard time staying focused. We are starting to have a lot more youth attending on Wednesday night that are not used to church and several kept coming in and out of the sanctuary. Was a little unnerving for me. I just well get used to it. I believe this is just the beginning for more to come.

 I bought groceries today for the first time at the new Super Center. The one stop shopping place! At least I didn’t have to go to Walmart and then go to the grocery store like I used to. That was rather nice.

I did not talk to dad today. I suspect he didn’t go home as he thought because he told me yesterday he would call me from home if he went home. I didn’t hear from him. I did try to call the hospital on the watts line but no one answered the phone. By the time I thought to try again it was time to go to church.

Excerpt from my journal May 2000

 

God You are my God earnestly Lord I seek You. I need You. I miss You, I want You. I gotta have You! I am so tired. I planned to come home today and sleep. Here it is after 4pm. I could sleep now but I don’t want to go a minute longer without being with You. I love You Lord. I do love You. I am willing to do anything, be anything, go anywhere You desire. All I want to do is please You and cause You joy.

 

Oh My dearest most precious Daughter. I am so glad you came. We have so much to talk about but you aren’t ready to hear it all now. I love you so much. I will be so glad when you finally understand that I love you just the way you are. You don’t have to read the entire Bible, or pray so many hours of the day. Just choose to “hang out with Me.” You know that in your head but it’s yet to transfer to your heart but it will.

 

Daddy You are so wonderful. There is no one, no thing who compares to You. You are so loving, so kind, so patient, understanding, encouraging. You correct me when I need it. Thank You for loving me. Keep doing whatever it is You’re doing in me. I say yes. I don’t understand but I say yes. I want to say yes to You. I always want to say yes to You. You are the only one for me. I love You. You are my beloved. Cause me to fall deeper in love with You.

 

I AM. Those are the prayers that bring Me such delight. Valerie, I AM so pleased with You. I can’t be any more pleased or any less pleased than I AM right now. You are My Child. You belong to Me. You have captured My heart and I am capturing yours.

 

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning. For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You. Psalm 143:8

Tuesday August 30, 2005

I apologize for not posting yesterday (Mom) She always looks forward to my posts. I was going to do that when I got home from work last night but my daughter who is rarely home was on the computer last night until 11:30pm. So decided to just wait until today.

 

Talked to my Dad today. Looks like he may go home tomorrow WOO HOO! He sounds better and better every time I talk to him. Says he still doesn't have much of an appetite but he's trying to get food down anyway. The doctor said he's body was depleted from all that was going on with him. I told him its a good excuse for a high protein high carbohydrate diet!

 

Gosh, Monday was a blur. My Pastor and our youth pastor left for Durban South Africa Monday evening. Hope the weather in Atlanta didn’t slow them down. Haven’t heard whether they were able to get through or not. Doyle and I had lunch with Pastor. That was nice. He and Doyle discussed some things regarding the upcoming Men’s Retreat in September. Doyle is over the men’s ministry in our church and he organizes the Men’s Retreat each year.

 

Hey all I got my first pedicure Monday! I know ya’ll are shocked! Well, those who know what a “tom-boy” I am even at the age of 45 (did I really say that just now! Eeks that’s old!) will be shocked. Yes, I have pretty pink toes! A friend of mine and cell group member gave me a gift certificate to have a pedicure for my birthday. I know, that was two months ago! Well actually I got it the week I was to leave to go on vacation. I was hoping to get it done before but there were two many things to do. So Mom you have to be sure and look at my feet when you come this weekend! 

 

I rode my bicycle to the place which is not quite 3 miles. As I was getting close the little rain cloud blew up. I got there just in time as it opened up and rained while my feet were soaking! The rains were the outer bans of Hurricane Katrina. That’s how big it was!

 

Excerpt from my journal April 2000.

 

Oh, Daddy, I need you. I am overwhelmed. I miss You. I know You didn’t leave. I know I’ve been too busy. I don’t know how I got here. All I know is I miss being with You. I miss hearing You speak. I want to be with You. I need a hug badly. I need to hear You say You love me.

 

I do love you My Child and I have missed you too!

 

How do I get out of this mess. I am so tired. All I want to do today is go home and go to bed. Yet I feel pressure to get things done. See people , ride my horse, do my bible study go buy groceries, buy a wedding gift, go to a meeting tonight- AAH!!!! Help me please! I’m drowning. I will wait for You, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord My God (Ps 38:15)

 

O, Valerie, My Daughter, how it grieves me to see You so burdened. Come to Me My Child. Come to Pappa.

 

I’m coming Daddy, I’m sorry. Sorry I got my eyes off You. I tried to do it myself. I don’t even know when it started.

 

It was a gradual thing. That’s why you didn’t see it coming. I forgive you My Precious One. How good it feels to have you in My arms again. To hold you close and smell your fragrance.

 

Oh, Daddy, I love You so much. I don’t ever want to leave this place. I want to stay right here  out of the flow of life. No worries, no messy sheep, no heartaches, no headaches!

 

You may stay until you are refreshed and renewed but you know you can’t stay here. There are people out there who need Me. People who need the truth and I want to use you to do that. May I? Will you do that for Me?

 

Oh, Daddy, how can I say no to You. After all You’ve done for me. Yes, You may use me. Yes, I will go but can I come back?

 

Yes, you can always come back. Feast on Me then go out again. You need to come back because I am your source. It’s like your truck. It needs fuel to run. I am your fuel. Or how things operate on rechargeable batteries. Plugged into “the source” they never run down – away from “the source” they have power for a while but to continue being useful  they have to be plugged back into “the source”. To continue to have a life you must be plugged into “the source”.

 

Okay, so basically the reason I feel like I do is because I’ve not plugged into you enough to get fully charged?

 

Yes. How beautiful are the feet of him who brings good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion “your God reigns.” Isaiah 52:7

 

Blessings to all of you. Continue to be in prayer for all those affected by the hurricane. If there was ever a time to pray it is now, so Intercessors (prayers) rise up!

Sunday August 28, 2005

It was a full day. We had a lot of visitors today in church. That was good. It was also Communion Sunday. We also had special prayer for Pastor Kirk and our youth pastor Jeromy who are leaving tomorrow for Durban, South Africa. We have been supporting the ministry called Light for the Zulu Nation about 10 years and finally have an opportunity to send out representatives to this ministry.  Kirk and Jeromy will be gone 2 weeks.  They are supposed to preach in a soccer stadium. Pastor Kirk has never done anything like this before. This will be an awesome opportunity.

After church I went home to grab a bite and then go to a 25^th wedding anniversary celebration of my friends Teresa and Jose whose property my horses are staying on. Teresa is the one who introduced me to Well of Life Church and discipled me.  Of course while I was there I went out in the pasture to give my guys some treats and rub their heads. I just love Blue. He’s not as pretty since he lost all his color. That’s what happens to gray horses….they turn white. I love his personality though. He loves to have his head rubbed and I like to oblige him. I also like the way he knickers for me. Does my heart good! I hope to go up and ride Tuesday.

I was unable to stay for the whole celebration being cell group was at my house so I needed to get back to make sure my house was in order. I also needed to spend some time asking God what He wanted to do music wise since our group was doing worship and prayer. We had a full house fifteen! If anyone else showed up someone would have to sit on the floor. We need to multiply but are in need of more leaders. The results of growing pains!

 

I talked to Dad in between coming home and getting the house in order. I talked to him the longest thus far. They still haven’t told him when he can expect to go home. He’s not got much of an appetite. They have him on soft foods but he just can’t eat much. He thinks it’s the meds they have him on. He also had the hospital staff put up a not visitor sign today. Guess he was getting over run. He evidently is supposed to talk to someone about life with a colostomy bag. He said it's difficult right now because were it's located is right at his belt line. Said he guessed he'd have to wear overalls for a while. He reminded me he really doesn't like overalls.

After cell was over. Keannon and Vanessa wanted to go ride bikes and I went with them. We rode to the fire station and saw Doyle. He was on duty today. It's right at 3 miles from our house. Now they are watching the movie Major Payne. It's so funny!

It's late so I'm going to close for tonight.

Saturday August 27, 2005

Not much today. I did what I said I wouldn’t do. I went to the new Super Center. My cat is on a certain food that I can only get from Walmart and he was out! UGH! I needed so other things like paper goods and stuff but I figured I could get those from Dollar General but they don’t have his brand of food! I just zipped in and out. I’m still in awe of how big it is. It’s hard to fathom that it is in our town. From there I went to the church to finish copying, folding and mailing the newsletter for September. I wanted to get it out Friday but I ran out of time. Then I went by my favorite store “Cat’s Creations” (the scrapbook store). When I was there the other day and was paying out after cropping my friend forgot to charge me for some refill pages for Vanessa’s Rodeo Album. So I went back today to pay for those. I also went ahead and bought another horse album like the one I gave my friend Nancy to make my scrapbook with. Since I took pictures I can duplicate what I did.

I came home and cooked Doyle a late lunch since I worked tonight. Then I took a nap and later went to work.

Keannon and Vanessa bought mountain bikes and went riding on our Rails to Trails (the old railroad right of way the state park made into a hiking, biking, equestrian trail.) When I got home Doyle was sitting on the porch listening to the radio. There is a riot at the minimum security Prison in our city. Law Enforcement was calling in all personnel to come assist. Keannon is off this weekend but he came in to help get things under control. Things aren’t under control quite yet but I think they are making headway.

Excerpt from my journal January 2000

My husband and I had gotten into a stupid argument. It was about him saying he told me something and I said he didn’t. This is the journaling that took place after that.

 

I’m a mess

 

You’re perception is cloudy

 

Did Doyle really tell me that? That’s what the stupid argument was about.

 

What does it matter?

 

It matters to me.

 

Why….because you have to be right?

 

I don’t have to be right.

 

You don’t? You don’t treat My son Doyle as well as You do Me.

 

You’re right.

 

There was a CD playing with the words “I’m yours now and for always”. I said “Yes, Lord, I’m Yours”.

 

Yes I know I have your heart. Why do you have to be right? (Now God doesn’t ask questions because He doesn’t know the answer He does it for our benefit.)

 

Because to be wrong means I failed.

 

And your not suppose to fail?

 

Yes… but no

 

What do you mean no – do you mean you’re supposed to be perfect?

 

I know I can’t be perfect but I don’t cease to try.

 

There’s nothing wrong with making excellence your goal but you will fail. You will fall short.

 

I know but I don’t want to fail.

 

Why is failure so difficult for you?

 

Because I’m made fun of. I don’t like being made fun of. I don’t like being laughed at.

 

You don’t laugh at anyone else’s failures?

 

Yes, I have.

 

You need to be able to laugh at yourself instead of taking things so serious.

 

Well, life is serious.

 

Yes, but it is also fun! I intended for you to have fun too! I know I have your heart but I want you to be me your “need to be right” and your “fear of failure.”

 May God meet each and everyone of you in a special way tomorrow as you gather with the body of Christ.

...for without Me you can do nothing (John 15:5b) I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

Friday August 26, 2005

God is so good! Talked to Dad this afternoon. He had been moved to a room and started on a liquid diet. He has a very good attitude. He’s already looking forward to when they can reattach his small intestine. He’s ready to come home. That’s really good. He’s had even more visitors today. He said some of his congregation has been to see him. He had visitors when I called. But I ‘m not at all surprised with all the family that live in that area and people he knows.

I was lazy today. I haven’t felt very good . My throat isn’t sore but it sort of acts like it wants to get that way. Does that make sense? Anyway, I’m trying to not think about it. Went to lunch with my husband to Baris Italian Restaurant YUM YUM! After that we came home and then crashed on the sofa until 4:30pm. Made myself get up as I have to work at Drive Safe tonight. It is 103 today! I watered my poor wilting marigolds while I was on the phone to Dad (like him I can’t be still I have to be doing something). I know the middle of the afternoon is not the time to water but I figure it couldn’t hurt.

Excerpt from my journal December 1999

Daddy I love You. I want to be like You and I don’t care what it takes (Dangerous prayer – God usually answers these!) I trust You. I know You love me and want the best for me. Father increase my desire to pray about things, To pray for the lost, the prodigals. About every aspect of my life. Enlarge my heart for more of You. Make me hungry for Your word. Make me hungry for only You. Father I want You in my every day life. I need You in my every day life.

I am working in you all those things you have asked for and more. Some things you’ve not asked for. This is an area of maturity you need to grow in and that is waiting and learning to rest in the waiting. There is always a time to cease from working. Even land gets a rest from being worked because if its over worked it will not be as fruitful. Enjoy where you are. You are like a child who can’t wait until they’re 16 or 18 or whatever age so they can do such and such. Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. You only live once this side of heaven. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the journey. Take the back roads and enjoy the view. Watch the sunset, sunrise. Look at the fields of crops, pastures of cattle, the hawk alone on the telephone pole. Enjoy the moment. Be thankful. You will never pass this way again. Savor the moments no matter what you’re doing. Sometimes you need to stop what you’re doing.

      

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 NKJV

Thursday August 25, 2005

I got to do two of my favorite things today! Scrapbook and ride my horse! Doesn’t get much better than that! A friend of mine from church helps out at the Scrapbook store occasionally when the owner has to be gone and she was there today. She invited me to come down and scrapbook. It’s been pretty quiet at the store since the new Super Center Walmart opened yesterday. I plan to avoid it for at least a week or more to let the new wear off!

 

I went to the horses around 7pm. It was still 96 degrees! But it was dropping and there was a breeze which was nice. I rode with my new riding buddy Leslie (15). We decided to just ride around the pasture and then down the road a short distance. We rode about an hour and a half. It felt so good to be back in the saddle again. I hate my life being so busy and the horses being so far away. I know I would ride more if they were out my back door. Thankfully that day will come

Dad is doing MUCH BETTER! I talked to him today and he sounded much stronger. He admitted he was pretty tired when I called yesterday. He said they had him sitting in a chair today. He said he should go to a room tomorrow. He had more company today too. He said the chaplain came by to see him. I said “I bet that was a little weird” He said “Yeah, it’s a little different being on the other side”. In case this is the first time for you to visit my site, my Dad is a Southern Baptist Minister. He has made countless hospital visits but I believe this is his first to be on the receiving end!

I talked to my Mom today and she said that my aunt (her sister) was going to share an email I had sent to her about an incident that happened Monday. She thought it was hysterical so I’ll share with you. My Aunt was telling me about dog sitting. Here’s where my reply comes in.

 

Speaking of dog-sitting...I've been doing that a lot lately! I think I've spent more time with Kaidence than Keannon or Vanessa! I think I've turned into a convenience for them. Don't get me wrong I love Kaidence but she's a puppy and if I wanted a puppy I would have gotten one! She requires a lot of attention that neither Vanessa or Keannon are giving her right now. Today when I came home from work I walked into a disaster! I was met at the door by Kaidence and Mercy. I put Kaidence in her kennel when no one is home. When I walked into the house, stuff was EVERYWHERE! When I walked in the hall way I found three poop piles and two pee spots. I called Vanessa at the store immediately and asked her if she left Kaidence out of the kennel on purpose. She said yes because she would only be home for a couple of hours alone. I told her very firmly that if she was going to stay at my house she would have to be kenneled if know one was home. No exceptions! As I made my way to my bedroom there were clothes and shoes scattered everywhere!. The cat's food was completely gone and the water bowl had disappeared. The only thing that made me feel some justice is that Kaidence had chewed up one of Vanessa’s nicer flipflops with sequins! (Serves her right)!

Excerpt from my journal October 1999

 

You worry too much. Is anything to hard for Me?

 

No, Father. Nothing absolutely nothing is too hard for you.

 

Then quit worrying. It won’t make things happen any faster. Trust Me. Quit being anxious. Focus on Me and My kingdom. Cease thinking about yourself and your problems. Give it all to Me. Then let Me handle it. I want you to enjoy each moment of your life whether you’re doing something you really enjoy or a mundane task. Enjoy life, enjoy Me, enjoy who you are. Praise Me. Thank Me. Worship Me and just like the Israelites when Jehosophat was king faced their enemy with praises and worship and the enemy fled. So will yours! Praise Me and worship Me in the midst and begin to watch the miracles happen.

 

Therefore know this day, and consider it in your heart, that the Lord Himself is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other. Deuteronomy 4:39

Wednesday August 24, 2005

I called the hospital around 8am this morning and talked to dad’s nurse. She said he is continuing to improve. He had been awake and alert. Knew who he was and where he was. She would have let me talk to him then except they had just given him pain medicine and he was asleep. I asked how long it was though he would be in ICU. She told me probably through today provided he continues to do well.

I called again about 1:30pm and was able to talk to him. I had a difficult time understanding him and am not sure if he just didn’t have the phone close enough to his mouth or if he was medicated enough he was just mumbling. He said he did feel some better. He did tell me the doctor took out his colon and that they wouldn’t let him eat or drink.  It was just nice to hear his voice.

 

Thanks to all of you who have prayed and are praying. I believe God has heard you and answered or he wouldn’t be here!

 

Excerpt from my journal September 1999

 

Do you have anything you want to say to me?

 

I am pleased.

 

What are you pleased about?

 

You. I am very pleased with you. You say many times that you just want to please me. Well, you do. But I’m not pleased for the reasons you think. I am pleased because of who you are and what you’ve allowed Me to do in you. It’s not the things you do. It’s not your “doing for Me” that pleases Me. You asking for more of Me in you, asking for a deeper relationship with Me. That pleases Me very much. Please don’t lose heart. You have been disheartened, discouraged, yes even disappointed. That is not My plan for you. You are a woman of hope, courage and heart. Quit looking around you and look to Me. You are to walk by faith (things you can’t see) and not by your sight. You know you can trust Me. You are worried about many things – only one thing is needed – sit at My feet and gaze into My face. Focus on our relationship and you will begin to see things fall into place and you will be in awe. Cast your cares on Me no matter how silly they seem. If you are fretting over it, its not silly, its causing you to lose focus. I care for you so give it all to Me. Examine it. Then cast off everything that hinders you. You carry things you weren’t meant to carry and you carry them deeply. It’s time to clean house. Room by room, closet by closet, drawer by drawer. Are you ready?

 

Yes, I think so.

 

You know when you start there will be some things you have forgotten about. You’ll think “I can use that for something” and you’ll be tempted to hang on to it. You’ve not used it by now. Get rid of it. In order to make room for more of Me there must be less of you. Some things will have sentimental value but you must choose Me or sentiment. I know that seems harsh but I am jealous for you. I love you too much to share your affections with anything else.

 

Has house cleaning already begun?

 

It has already begun. There are some places already gone through. Other places have been forgotten because “out of sight, out of mind” or it was too overwhelming to deal with. You didn’t know where to start. Those things will be dealt with in time.

 

Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul would soon have settled in silence. If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:17-19 NKJV

Tuesday August 23, 2005

Wow what a day. I received a call this morning from my Uncle with good and bad news. The bad news (I always like to get that out of the way first). Dad’s large intestine had such a severe infection that it was not responding to any antibiotics. He was continuing to get worse. The intestine was so inflamed it was on the verge of bursting. Something needed to be done soon. He recommended surgery to remove his entire large intestine. Now the good news, (yeah) the doctor would in a couple of months or so do surgery to utilize dad’s small intestine to reattach to restore his bodily functions.  I was not prepared for that news this morning. At this point I’m stunned and don’t know what to do. I know that I can’t get to Dad before he goes into surgery. At best I can be there during or right after. Then I start thinking “I should have already been making plans to go instead of waiting until now to decide.” After prayer and talking to my husband and my pastor’s wife we choose to wait. Dad has some of his siblings there and well as other family so he’s not alone. Better to wait and go see him. I’m not sure when yet. Will probably try to coordinate something with my brother and his family.

Back to my Dad. He made it through surgery just fine. Once the doctor was in there what he saw just confirmed what he already believed to be true. The Large Intestine was extremely inflamed and close to bursting. He also said there were parts of it that were very hard. He said surgery was the only option of getting Dad any better. I haven’t had an update since he’s been in recovery. If I get news I’ll update that as soon as I can.

I know God has heard all of your prayers whenever you prayed them. Even though you didn’t know about the surgery, I know you were praying. I did loose my peace for a brief moment when I initially got the news of surgery. It wasn’t that I didn’t think Dad would make it through. I was more upset over the recovery process he will have to go through. My Dad is such an active man and this will be very difficult for him. Though I do believe God will use these circumstances to reveal Himself to Dad in a new and fresh way. That he will have a greater understanding of God’s love for him and what His purpose and destiny is for my Dad. My Dad has a tendency to be in control of anything he’s involved with. For example: He’s the pastor of a church but along with that he is making the bulletin each week, preparing the message for that service, planning the worship service, teaching a Sunday School class! My question is “what is everyone else doing?” And why do they need to do anything if he’s going to do it? Anyway that’s my two scents worth!

Well, that’s life in my world. Pray for me as well to hear God about when to go see my Dad and how long to be there.

Excerpt from my journal September 1999

 

Jesus, Father, do I really belong to You?

 

Yes, My Child. Not only do you belong to Me but you resemble Me. So much so that I could never disown you – not that I would, because I won’t. You know how most all people you know or meet think you and Vanessa favor? And how you have been told you could never disown her because it was obvious you were related because of your likeness? Well, that’s how it is with you and Me. The more you grow the more you look like Me. People are recognizing you belong to Me because you bear My likeness.

 

That’s pretty cool God! Thanks! Daddy, do You love me?

 

Yes, My dear. Let Me count the many ways. I love you. I give you a sunrise and sunset new and different each day. I’ve shown you the deer, coyote, hawks, rabbits. The gentle breezes on your face. My Spirit within you that allows you and I to commune and the songs I’ve placed in your heart.

 

Yes, my Child I love you. I love you so much. I restrain Myself from doing all I would like because it would not be for your best. I want the very best for you. I won’t settle for anything less and I don’t want you to either but I love you too much to make that decision for you. I give you the choice. I want you to choose right, out of your love for Me. As high as the heavens are above the earth so high is the measure of My great love.

I have praise team practice tonight so will try to respond to and make comments when I get home.

Oh give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. 1 Chronicles 16:14 NIV (and in many other places)

Monday August 22, 2005

Well, I finally called the hospital to see if I could find out anything about 4pm today. The phone rang and rang. So I tried calling the house to see if my step-mother had gotten home. She had just walked through the door.  She said Dad wasn’t doing well at all. He was talking out of his head this afternoon.  His pulse became elevated so he was moved to ICU for observation. His colitis is worse than when he was in the hospital before. A cat scan was ordered this evening to see if he had an obstruction but none was found. Pockets of fluid were found in the abdominal cavity close to the liver. They believe that is due to the amount of fluids they have been pushing. He’s been catheterized. My sister-in-law who is an RN thinks he may have sepsis based on the info we’ve got so far. Guess we’ll have to wait it out until the morning. My Uncle Alan and Aunt Sharon plan to be at the hospital in the morning to see if they can talk with the doctor and learn more. For now we hurry up and wait and pray!

 

Excerpt from my journal August 1999

 

            My Child why are you hiding?

            I’ve come to walk with you

            In the cool of the day

            My Son, My Daughter where are you?

            I’ve come to commune with you.

            I want to be with you.

            No matter what you’ve done

            No matter how you fell

            The truth is I love you.

            Let Me cover your nakedness

            I will clothe you with righteousness

            Through Jesus I have provided

            The way back to Me.

            My Son, My Daughter where are you?

            Hide yourselves in Me

            Let Me cover you with My wing

            As a hen covers her chicks

            You are My Child and I love you.

            Look to the cross and always remember

            My great love for you.

            Come My Child, come to Daddy

            I am here. I have always been here 
            I will always be here

Hopefully I will have more news about Dad tomorrow.

Sunday August 21, 2005

I got a call this morning from my step mother saying she and dad spent the night in the hospital in Liberty, MO. My Dad never made it all the way home. He had called the doctor and he said to go to the emergency room. From there it was admitted to the hospital. She said he was really tired and not feeling well so asked that no one call him. I have honored that request and so don’t know anything. I figure I’ll call tomorrow late and give Dad some time to have been seen by the doctor. So maybe there will be some news.

Church was good today. Worship was awesome. The people from Odessa Ukraine spoke. It was really good. He was talking about when you really encounter Jesus you are changed. He said there are people who say they have accepted Jesus and yet their lives don’t reflect that the creator of the universe has come to reside in them. It was very powerful. He gave a call for people who weren’t sure to make that decision today. We had several people come forward. It was awesome!

 

Excerpt from my journal April 1999

 

Father I need You. I can not do this nor do I want to without You. I just want to please You, bring glory to You. I know I need more humility, more integrity, more of You and less of me. I need more compassion. I need Your heart. I want those things that break Your heart to break mine. I give You permission Lord Jesus my King to come rule and reign. Do what You need to do in me to make me more like You. I love you. I want You. I need You in my life. I choose You and You alone.

 

I chose you before the foundations of the earth. I chose you. You are Mine. You will never belong to another again because I have won your heart. You have stood the test. There are more to come. There is more refining, more purifying. You are a mighty oak. Your roots are deep. You are grounded. You are stable. You are firm. Though the winds may blow your limbs and leaves and you may loose some limbs and leaves (this is pruning) yet you will not be shaken or moved. The under ground river is pure, clean, cool and refreshing. You have tapped in. Your roots have reached it. And though you receive refreshment from the rains from above your source is in the deep.


 Grace and peace to all.

Saturday August 20, 2005

Would ya’ll continue to pray for my Dad. I told you he came down Wednesday to visit. He still isn’t well. He has taken off two weeks from the church. He thought he could rest and recoup here as well as at home maybe better since he wouldn’t be tempted to work if he’s not at home. Well he hasn’t felt well since he’s been here and this morning he called (from my brother’s house) to say he was not doing well at all and was heading back to Missouri as soon as he got off the phone. He’s really sick to leave us earlier than he planned. I was very concerned about him and began praying as soon as our call ended. I talked to my brother later and he said Dad had been up at least four times last night going to the bathroom. I’m concerned about him being well enough to travel back home. He did call me about 30 miles out of Wichita Kansas. Said he was nauseated this morning when he talked to me. Thought he better head back home so if he really needed medical care he’d be close to his doctor. He said he was feeling better than when he left this morning but still didn’t feel very good. His wife Barbara did drive for a couple of hours…for him to turn the wheel over to someone else is a sure sign he is sick! Anyway…I’ll keep you posted but I appreciate you praying for him.

I didn’t do much today. It was really nice to not have to do anything. Did go visit my cell member Sherri who is in the nursing home for her foot. She’s doing really well. Took Kaidence, (Vanessa & Keannon’s dog). As usual I’m babysitting the dog. I don’t really mind. But I’m afraid that she’s going to think of me being her owner more than them! Sherri really enjoyed seeing her and it made her day. Vanessa went to her first market at the Apparel Mart in Dallas for WOLY Board Co.’s fall line. She left Thursday night and is coming home tonight and Keannon when he’s not working is sleeping and as you know puppies need lots of attention!

 

Excerpt from my journal April 1999

 

Daddy, I have such a hard time focusing on you. How do I do that? I get distracted so easily. I think I’m focusing on you then before I know it I’m thinking about anything but you! This is frustrating me! I want so much to please you. I want so much to further your kingdom, to bring glory to your name. What are You doing? Am I in a “waiting mode”?

 

This is my prayer Father. I want to experience You. I know there’s more. I want more. I’ve got to have more of You!

 

That’s the heart I want is the one who diligently seeks after Me. You are where I want you. Quit striving My Child. Quit trying to make it happen. You can do nothing to speed it up or slow it down. It is happening as I have planned as I have ordained it before the foundations of the earth. You waste so much time fretting about your relationship with Me. Relax. Get your focus off yourself, off our relationship. Focus on Me. You focus on Me by recounting My attributes, My character, who I AM, on the things I have done. Yes, your attention span is short but I’m training it. At least you are becoming more aware when you lose focus. Don’t lose heart. Do not be discouraged. You are making progress. Lighten up. Just be yourself. Quit looking at the law. Look to Me. Freedom is scary when you’ve walked in bondage so long. It’s really okay to make a mistake. It’s really okay to fail. Come to Me quickly. Come to My throne of grace quickly. Come eat of the feast of forgiveness and mercy.

 

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called you heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV)

Friday, 19 August 2005

Hi everyone. I had a full day. After finishing at the office, I went home to tend to the dogs, ate a bit of lunch, then traveled to my brother’s house to visit with Dad. Came back home and got my cropping supplies together to crop tonight. Yippee! Tonight was a Creative Memories Crop. My consultant issued a challenge to her customers to complete 205 pages in 2005. That is 8 1/2 X 11 or larger. If we succeed we receive a free Premiere Album of our choice. I lack 19 pages having met my goal! That includes the 5 pages I did tonight! WOO HOO!

Excerpt from my journal March 1999

The man who loves God is known by God. 1 Corinthians 8:3

 

Father I do love you. Thank You that I am known by You. I want to know more of You. It seems as though I have come to a plateau – leveled off in my walk. Is that You or am I the reason?

No My Child. You have not leveled off. Your progress is not noticeable to you because it is very gradual. It is a slow process by your standards but it was best for you. Had I made you climb steep terrain, you would have become discouraged. This way I am working on many areas at once without you becoming overwhelmed. The end result will be the same but you will be stronger this way. Its like driving. You can disregard the speed limit and you might get there faster but there are also consequences like a speeding ticket, an accident, stop lights, slower vehicles – bottom line is the one who obeys the laws of the land usually gets to the same destination at the same time as the one who speeds. So the moral off it is, better to get to your destination steadily – obeying the laws – not getting in a hurry – allowing extra time. You are right on schedule where I want you to be. Quit fretting. Relax – be patient, wait, keep listening – keep doing what you’re doing. This is still preparation time When the time comes for you to reap the harvest it will happen when you least expect it. My anointing will come when you need it. I will speak through you when its time. Keep feeding your spirit man. Do not fear. Do not be anxious. You do hear Me and you do listen. I know your heart and it is after Me. You are not losing your love for Me. It is changing. It is maturing. I will soon take you to deeper levels with Me. Don’t lose heart. Don’t faint. Trust Me. You know you can trust Me. Don’t be afraid to leap into My arms – I know it seems as though there is a great chasm – it doesn’t matter if you can’t jump the distance. You will not fall! I will not let you fall! I AM able to catch you. Trust Me. Trust Me. I AM faithful. I will do it! My arm is not too short. I can do it and I can help you do it if you will let Me but you have to trust. Let go of what you know. Let go of what you’ve been taught. Learn of Me. Believe in Me. Listen to Me. Trust in Me.

Well, I have had a full day. Goodnight All!

Thursday August 18, 2005

Today was interesting. Started off with meeting at the church at 6:30AM for prayer. Last week Pastor began to open the church one day a week on Thursday for an hour to pray for our community, world issues, revival and anything else God laid on our hearts to pray. Got back home at 7:30 and spent some time in the Word. Got dressed and went to work. I was alone at the office today as pastor told me the day before he would be out.

Unlike most churches our office is not inside the church but adjacent to it as we are in a strip mall. You can enter the office from the church but our entrance is in front one door down from the church doors. About 11:30AM I hear someone come in from the church. I know (at least I thought I knew) the doors to the church are locked so whoever is coming in must be a member with a key right? Wrong! It was the missionary from the Ukraine that was coming over to spend a few days in our city with Pastor and his wife for some R & R. Don’t you know I was surprised. Thankfully I didn’t blurt out “how did you get in here!” After he left, I went and checked. Sure enough the doors were left unlocked from this morning or last night. Either way they were unlocked. I promptly locked them back! Pastor showed up soon after that as did the missionary and his family (wife and three boys). Pastor invited me to go to lunch with them. I gladly excepted. It was nice to get to know them on a little more personal level. They will be in our services Sunday morning.

Now for a little more explanation about the “missionary family”. They aren’t really missionaries, but for lack of a better word that’s what I called them. Actually they are from Odessa Ukraine. They are graduates from MJBI (Messianic Jewish Bible Institute). They are over the MJBI school there and congregation. To learn more about MJBI go here www.mjbi.org . Our church financially supports MJBI. In fact our Pastor and his wife just got back from spending time with this couple as well as helping another couple in St. Petersburg Russia locate property for a school there. They also spent time in ministering and encouraging these people.

Excerpt from my journal March 1999

I would like to have an encounter with You that radically changes me! And I don’t mind how You do it! Or when You do it. But I want so much to be intimate with You – more than I am – something in me cries for more, more, MORE! I want to eat, live and breathe You.

I will grant Your request and then some. Remember I AM into abundance above and beyond more than you can hope or ever imagine. I placed that desire for intimacy within you. I have yearned for the intimacy with you more intently than you. I was wanting for you to mature. Just as children don’t marry until they mature so you have been maturing and the time is very near My Daughter. It is so near. Be patient, wait, feed on My word. Worship Me, talk to Me as you are now. Wait with expectation and anticipation of being with your bridegroom.

Good night everyone.

Wednesday August 17, 2005

Well, my dad and his wife got here about 6pm today. They weren’t here long. Since we had church this evening he went back to my brother’s who lives 15 miles north of Mineral Wells. He and his wife just moved into their newly built home 8 months ago. It would be nice if he would be willing to worship with us. He has been before a couple of times but that was a very long time ago. Ya, know when you’re the pastor of a Southern Baptist Church it doesn’t suit you well to attend a church that doesn’t believe doctrinely the same as you. It makes me sad. He will attend church with my brother who is still attending a Baptist Church. In fact the same church he used to pastor sixteen years ago. Can you tell there are still some areas of healing that need to take place in my life?

Have any of you ever dealt with issues of control? It is better for me now but I still tend to want to control things somewhat. I am enclosing an excerpt from my journal dated October 1998. Allow God to speak through what He journaled for me.

I got up and was trying to be still before the Lord. I was so still that I dozed off! (that ever happen to anyone!) I decided not to condemn myself. At least I am making an effort and setting aside the time to be with Him. I changed positions (so I might not fall asleep again) Prayed for the services today. Sometime passed and I fell asleep again. This time I had a dream. I was in school. I don’t know what grade maybe 6^th, 7^th or 8^th. It wasn’t high school or elementary. I didn’t know the students so I must have been new. It was Valentine’s Day and I had carefully prepared Valentines and candy or some type of gift for each student. I didn’t know the students very well by name. I remember I had taken great lengths to make sure what card and what gift went to each student. I had left my desk and when I came back I discovered someone had been in my stuff and mixed it up so I couldn’t tell what gift went to what card. I immediately was overwhelmed and burst into tears because the bell rung and I knew I wouldn’t be able to put cards and gifts back together in time to hand out. Then my dream ended. At first I dismissed this dream thinking how silly and why did I dream that. Then knowing I do not normally dream, I decided there must be some spiritual significance. I sensed it has to do with control. Not having control of things and things not going as planned. Lord, I ask You to reveal to me what You are trying to tell me. If this isn’t You then I’ll just forget it but if You’re wanting me to learn something please speak to me.

There are still some issues of control in your life Valerie. Some areas you are still trying to control. Your frustration has been because you can’t. Anytime you are feeling frustration it is a control issue. Seek the source of it. Question your frustration. You’re trying to control yourself, your relationship to Doyle, even Me. You are not in control, you will never be in control. You can never control. True freedom, liberty, peace and rest come when you choose to totally abandon yourself to Me. There are times it will seem silly but do it anyway. Make a verbal confession to abandon yourself to Me, make a mental confession to abandon yourself to Me. And this is something in the beginning you will have to do many, many times because this is a deep root. And a lot of times you try to control without even realizing it. You even try to control in your prayers. Let Me teach you how to let go. I know you thought you had let go and you did some, but some is not enough. You can’t straddle on this one. It’s all or nothing. I know your heart is to please Me, My Daughter. I am very pleased. I’m most pleased at your openness, your willingness, your faithfulness to meet with Me even when it seemed to you I wasn’t there. I was there. I‘ve always been there. There is coming a time soon when I will manifest My presence to you. I  commend you for choosing to believe Me even when you didn’t see. I know how hard that was. But I was doing a deep work in you, grounding you because if I didn’t you would not be able to handle My manifest presence with maturity. You are real and I am continuing to purify and refine you. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep seeking Me – remember I AM the rewarder of those who diligently seek Me. You are being diligent. Call to Me and I will tell you great and mighty things which you do not know.

Tuesday August 16, 2005

This is a partial entry from my journal May 1997. This was one of the first words God gave me that was this lengthy. My prayer is that you don’t feel bad because He may not speak to you this way. He does speak to each of His children (the Bible says so). He speaks in the language and way that you will best know that it is Him speaking to you. For me He uses journaling a lot. He also uses my horses. God is God and He can choose any avenue or vessel He desires to get His message to you. Granted the word of God (the Bible) is His main way of communicating but He does speak to our spirit man by His Holy Spirit. So sometimes the voice of God sounds like your own! That was so freeing to me the first time I heard that concept. Without further commenting….

You are good God. Loving, compassionate, slow to anger, tender hearted, forgiving, merciful, gracious, all knowing, all seeing everywhere at all times. You are My provider, My deliverer, My Redeemer, My heavenly daddy. I love you. Forgive me for complaining, cursing when I don’t get my way. I’m sure that grieves Your heart. I know it makes You sad when I won’t trust You and try to do things myself. Father, I want to be sold out to You. Wholly devoted to You. I want to be so one with You that NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. How do I get there? I know I need to spend more time with You but do I let everything else go?

 Keep Me at the center of whatever activity you’re in. Praise Me with all your heart when you’re ironing, washing dishes, mopping the floor, riding your horse. Talk to Me when you’re doing these things. Pray for others when you’re doing these things. Hide My word in your heart so that you won’t sin against Me. I love you dear Child. Oh, how I love you! If only you could grasp just how precious you are to Me! How pleased I am with you. What Joy I have when you take time to spend with Me. I want to be with you every moment of the day. Make room for Me to be with you when you ride, when you clean house, when you do laundry. I’m always there. Invite Me to converse with you. I will. Maybe not the way you expect Me to but look for Me, seek Me out in your family, your horses, music, friends, neighbors. Everything you see, hear, touch, taste, feel. I AM in it. Be thankful. Give thanks with a grateful heart. Praise My name. Let Me bless your socks off. That’s one thing I take great delight in is surprising you with blessings. Giving you the unexpected. Be alert, expect, wait and watch – see My glory. Be in My glory You are My righteousness. You are holy. You are clean. You are whole, all because of what Jesus did for you not because of anything you’ve done. I love you because I want to. That’s it. There is no other reason. I want an intimate relationship with you too! Lay aside all your cares, concerns, worries, burdens. Just let Me love you right now. Just let Me hold you right now. We’ll talk about these other things later. Concentrate on Me. Look Me in the eye, focus on Me and worship Me. Did you ever think I might need you to sit in my lap as much as you need it? I want to know you love Me. That you appreciate what I am to you and for you. It’s just as important for you to let Me love on you as it is for you to need Me to love you. Allow Me to gather you up in My arms and hold you close. Allow Me to stroke your hair, your face, to look you full in your face. You are so beautiful to Me. I have big plans for you. I want you to have so much if you will just trust in Me, believe in Me, love only Me, devote yourself to only Me. Let nothing come between us. Don’t let anything sever our relationship. Come to Me and let Me give you rest, let Me refresh you with My food and drink. Let My food satisfy your hunger and My drink satisfy your thirst. I am all you need. Apart from Me you can do nothing but more than that apart from Me you are nothing. Let Me use you for My glory and purpose so that you can be complete lacking nothing. Let Me guide your steps, let Me make your plans, allow Me to change the direction you go.

My only intention in sharing these private moments with you is to spur you on to deepen your relationship with Him. It is possible. The Bible says the He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6 The entire verse there says this “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”

If this word touches your heart, stirs something in you then I believe God is using this word to speak to you directly....From His heart to yours. Embrace it.

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV

Monday August 15, 2005

Well, I got surprised yesterday….besides the “Kodak moment” at the hospital. I called my dad to see how he was after being home a week from his hospital stay. He told me he and his wife were coming to Texas this week! I said “You’re coming when!” He said “If its not a good time”. I said “I’m just trying to figure out how I missed that you were planning to come down now?” He said “I was planning on coming last week but my hospital stay changed that.” So my dad and wife are heading to Texas tomorrow. They probably won’t drive through. They usually do but Dad still hasn’t totally recovered. I’m guessing he’ll spend more time with my brother since we were just up there.

Ya, know the weird thing in all this is Dad never said anything to me about coming to Texas while we were there. I think he planned this afterwards. My guess is he told my brother and thought he told me.

I have felt crappy all day. The last few days I’ve noticed that I’ve had more drainage than usual (nasal). I take an allergy pill everyday but even with that I am still stuff then runny. Pressure in my face. When I breathe it feels like my nasal passages are raw. Yuck…that wasn’t a very pleasant thing to write about huh?! Sorry. I just kept thinking at work today “I should go home.” But I kept finding stuff to do and before I knew realized it, it was passed time for me to leave. I went home and Doyle wanted to go to lunch. I was starving so I agreed. After lunch I held the coach down until it was time to go to work at DriveSafe. I feel some better but not a lot. The tree pollen is extremely high down here or at least according to the Weather Channel. But it doesn’t say what trees. I know I have trouble with cedar but it’s too early for cedars. Anyway, I’m sure ya’ll aren’t all that interested in my “nasal drainage”! Me either!

Doyle is working tomorrow. I’m planning to try to ride tomorrow provided I don’t feel any worse than I did today. I’ll just pop a couple of Tylenol or some type of pain reliever and keep on going!

Well, this was one of my more boring posts. Sorry I didn’t have anything that exciting to write about. I’m still debating about posting more of my journal writing but am not certain ya’ll really want to read that either.

Ya’ll have a blessed day.

Sunday August 14, 2005

Today was a little different. Different in a good way. Services were good this morning. The worship service ended up being very intimate and sweet. That doesn’t happen very often. Usually because we have a lot of visitors and they are not always ready to go there. I took the liberty of getting me some carpet time (got on my face before God).

After church Doyle wanted to go to Fort Worth to visit two victims of a major accident that he worked Wednesday. Let me tell you the story.

It was the worst accident that our county has seen in some time. It was a head-on collision on Hwy 281 about 6 miles south of Mineral Wells. Hwy 281 is a major highway that goes from Canada to Mexico and it runs right through downtown MW. This call came in about 5pm Wednesday afternoon. There were 2 victims and one fatality.  One of the vehicles burst into flames upon impact. Unfortunately that person did not survive. Even if emergency personnel had been there at the time of the accident there would have been nothing they could have done. The two in the other vehicle were seriously injured and required extrication from the vehicle. The fire from the other vehicle was so intense that two of Doyle’s crew risked their lives to cover the driver who was closest to the flames. The highway was blocked to allow emergency helicopters in to fly the patients to Fort Worth. Doyle was in charge of the scene. He did a great job of keeping everything calm and working smoothly. He was very proud of his guys who all three happen to be rookies.

Doyle had talked to the driver’s family to see how he was doing. Doyle decided he wanted to personally go over to see them so he invited his guys to go with him. We go over after church. It was just like what you see on TV of when the rescuees meet their rescuers. We met the parents of the driver as he is still being kept in a chemically induced coma right now. He is improving and today they began to bring him out of it to perform some tests that all proved to be good. All these young men were in there early 20’s. His passenger was a childhood friend. He had several broken bones but with surgery he should be able to go home sometime next week. We met him as well and talked with him. They were all so appreciative. The parents was the most emotional as you can imagine. We took time and prayed with them. Come to find out the young men were very adventuresome. The one more seriously injured had just got a new truck the day before and he and his buddy decided to take a road trip. They were headed to Dublin to get Dublin Dr. Pepper. If you want to learn more about Dublin Dr. Pepper go here www.dublindrpepper.com . Anyway it was a pretty cool day.

Saturday August 13, 2005

I had a full day. I was looking forward to cropping at least a minimum of 6 hours but that didn’t really happen. I had thought Vanessa and Keannon would be around to let our dog Mercy out during the day since Doyle was on shift at the fire department but alas, they had made plans to go to Hurricane Harbor! So not only did I have to take time to come home to let Mercy out a couple of times I had their dog Kaidence too! I also got an invite to come by a former horse riding buddy’s house to help congratulate her daughter who used to ride with us off to Ross University in the Caribbean for Vet School. To top things off I had to be at work at 5pm today! UGH

I don’t usually do the crops when I have to work but this one was special as it was the owner’s first year anniversary and her birthday and she really wanted me to come. Not that it takes a whole lot to convince me to go to a crop. The crop was to start at 10am. I have a friend from church who helps Cathy out at the scrapbook store and she was going to be there early so I showed up around nine. I got two pages done right away then people started arriving bringing in their stuff and it was hard to get much done for about an hour. My horse riding buddy wanted me to come by about noon so I left about 11:45, went by the house to check on Kaidence and Mercy. Since Kaidence’s bladder isn’t as big as Mercy’s I left her in the backyard with our other dog but still wanted to make sure they had water because Kaidence likes to play in it and splashes it all out. Sure enough all the water was gone and she was wet and muddy! She was so glad to see me she jumps all over getting me muddy! I let Mercy out to relieve herself. I put everyone back in their places and head to my ridding buddy’s house. I was glad I made the effort to go by. As I’m leaving to go back to the scrapbook store a storm had blown up. Doyle wanted me to see if we could put Vanessa’s new pickup in the garage in case it hailed. Well, Vanessa had the extra key so had to leave it outside. (It didn’t hail by the way…it hardly even rained!)

I finally get back to the scrapbook store at 1:30pm. I get a couple more pages done and start on 2 more when it’s time to leave to check on dogs again before going to work! So I leave around 4pm.

The crop was until Midnight so after I got off work I went back to the scrapbook store. I only had about 1 1/2 so didn’t get much done but at least I didn’t have to pack up all my stuff until then. I wasn’t quite as rushed that way.

 Well, must close for tonight. I’ve been gone all day and I’m really beat.