Sunday, 09 October 2005

During worship today I saw a picture in my mind of a little girl (I believe to be me) following Jesus through a maze. As we walked along, He in front and I behind, I would occasionally see something that would draw my attention away from following Jesus. I would stop and look at that thing or pick it up but my eyes would be diverted. When I would turn back around Jesus would be out of sight!

I haven’t grasped the fullness of what this means aside from the obvious. I know I am so easily distracted and quickly lose sight of following hard after Him.

I so desperately need Jesus yet I fill my time with busyness (being on the computer, doing household duties, going to nieces and nephews ballgames, scrapbooking). When I do try to spend time with Him I find if very difficult to be still or keep focused for any length of time. For someone who is 45 years old I feel like I’m 2 when it comes to spiritual things!

 

I am very unhappy with myself right now.

I need to lose weight or buy a bigger size (and I refuse to do that)

I need to start walking and/or riding my bike regularly

I need to spend time with God consistently, praying, reading and worshiping

I need to do a better job of housekeeping. Dust is an inch thick on everything!

I need to quit staying up so late and getting more rest.

I need to be looking for property for the horses and us.

 

I know intellectually that God is not unhappy with me. I want to be happy with me. I’m not sure if that’s possible. Well, I know that’s not possible apart from God. I was telling Him today….God, I’m so lost. Well, I’m not lost, You have found me but I’m so lost! I so need You I can’t do anything right apart from You.” I’m feeling very weak and helpless. I know that feelings aren’t what we live by. But I can’t shake this feeling of being “stuck”! I so want to be unstuck! I’m so tired of being in the wilderness! I so miss how God used to meet with me. I know He wants more but sometimes it seems like He isn’t going to answer the cries of my heart. I don’t even know if I want it bad enough. There I go again thinking that God’s move on my life is dependent on whether I want Him bad enough or not! How foolish is that?!

Well I’m definitely not meeting my goal of going to bed early tonight! Oh, well, tomorrow is another day Lord willing.

 

Thought I would include a few pics for fun. They are from last year.

 

This is what snow looks like in Texas. This is usually all we get if we get any! We tend to get sleet and ice more than snow. Our Great Dane Mercy doesn't like the snow! She doesn't even like the rain.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

This is what Mercy does best!

 

Goodnight!