I went to the scrapbook store again today. Forgot to pay for the class I’m taking Saturday. Also wanted to see Cat as she got back from Vegas Wednesday night.
I then came home and cooked my husband lunch. I don’t typically do that but I’m working the next three nights and thought I would fix him at least one cooked meal a day. He eats out so much already. I know he gets tired of it. This change in me is one of many that God is beginning to work in me since the retreat.
I don’t know that I’ve truly expressed to you just how deeply the messages affected me this past weekend. At the end of the session Saturday night our speaker invited anyone who wanted her “sisters” to pray for her to come up. I shot up like I had springs in my butt! I had teared up during every session. Truths piercing me to the core. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was responding to other than I’ve been stuck for a very long time in my walk with God and in my relationship with my husband. The speaker made the statement on Saturday night. Someone has to be the healer. Someone has to be the one to take the blame. I had come to the place of having the attitude “if he doesn’t say anything I’m not going to! Why do I have to be the one?” I know that’s a crappy attitude. I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I know you wondering how I could feel this way about my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful man and he’s human just like the rest of them. I don’t think I’ve ever told my story on here so here goes.
I married Vanessa’s biological father when I was 21. Because I was a wounded and love hungry young woman I fell “in love” with a man that my mother said had “bedroom eyes”. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time. (yes, I was rather naïve). He swept me off my feet so much so that I gave myself to him before we got married. At that point because I knew that was wrong the only way I could justify my actions was to marry him to “make it right”. At the time it seemed like the thing to do but that is pretty ludicrous thinking. He wasn’t ready to get married but he went along with it. My parents tried to talk me out of it but I thought I knew what I was doing. There was talk that he had been with another girl during our engagement. That should have been the first red flag. The second should have been when he showed up late to rehearsal burned to a crisp from floating down the river for his bachelor’s party and being “half lit”.
We get married and begin life together. It was very tumultuous. By our second year he had managed to isolate me from my family. Not physically but by the things he would say slowing turning me against them. Using the “they don’t like me”, “they have it in for me”. By the third year I learned he was having an affair. I was devastated. I confront him and we tried to work it out. We separated for about three months. We finally said we would try one more time. Things were going pretty well we began to talk about starting a family. I know not a good idea when your relationship is on shaky ground but nonetheless we began “trying”. Within two months I was pregnant. I didn’t know for sure, just suspected when I began seeing signs that things were not as they seemed. Then one day he comes in and says he needs to talk to me. He prefaced it with “now just hear me out and don’t get upset until I finished.” He said he had been to talk to an attorney. I of course went off! He said “I haven’t done anything yet” I said “So” you’ve still thought enough about it to go talk to one and that’s just great because I think I’m pregnant! Well all of a sudden his demeanor changes and he’s all excited at the prospect of being a father! I’m still reeling from him telling me he’d talked to an attorney. Well, we tried make a go of it but I was too hurt and didn’t trust him and he didn’t give me any reason to trust him. When I confirmed I was pregnant, I left. My thoughts at that time were “You might treat me like crap but you’re not treating my baby like that!” I cared more about the unborn child I was carrying than I did about myself.
Wow! This is getting too long so I will quit for tonight and pickup tomorrow.
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