Thursday, 02 February 2006

I went to the scrapbook store again today. Forgot to pay for the class I’m taking Saturday. Also wanted to see Cat as she got back from Vegas Wednesday night.

I then came home and cooked my husband lunch. I don’t typically do that but I’m working the next three nights and thought I would fix him at least one cooked meal a day. He eats out so much already. I know he gets tired of it.  This change in me is one of many that God is beginning to work in me since the retreat.

I don’t know that I’ve truly expressed to you just how deeply the messages affected me this past weekend. At the end of the session Saturday night our speaker invited anyone who wanted her “sisters” to pray for her to come up. I shot up like I had springs in my butt! I had teared up during every session. Truths piercing me to the core. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was responding to other than I’ve been stuck for a very long time in my walk with God and in my relationship with my husband. The speaker made the statement on Saturday night. Someone has to be the healer. Someone has to be the one to take the blame. I had come to the place of having the attitude “if he doesn’t say anything I’m not going to! Why do I have to be the one?” I know that’s a crappy attitude. I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of it. I know you wondering how I could feel this way about my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful man and he’s human just like the rest of them. I don’t think I’ve ever told my story on here so here goes.

I married Vanessa’s biological father when I was 21. Because I was a wounded and love hungry young woman I fell “in love” with a man that my mother said had “bedroom eyes”. I didn’t really understand what she meant at the time. (yes, I was rather naïve). He swept me off my feet so much so that I gave myself to him before we got married. At that point because I knew that was wrong the only way I could justify my actions was to marry him to “make it right”. At the time it seemed like the thing to do but that is pretty ludicrous thinking. He wasn’t ready to get married but he went along with it. My parents tried to talk me out of it but I thought I knew what I was doing. There was talk that he had been with another girl during our engagement. That should have been the first red flag. The second should have been when he showed up late to rehearsal burned to a crisp from floating down the river for his bachelor’s party and being “half lit”.

We get married and begin life together. It was very tumultuous. By our second year he had managed to isolate me from my family. Not physically but by the things he would say slowing turning me against them. Using the “they don’t like me”, “they have it in for me”. By the third year I learned he was having an affair. I was devastated. I confront him and we tried to work it out. We separated for about three months. We finally said we would try one more time. Things were going pretty well we began to talk about starting a family. I know not a good idea when your relationship is on shaky ground but nonetheless we began “trying”. Within two months I was pregnant. I didn’t know for sure, just suspected when I began seeing signs that things were not as they seemed. Then one day he comes in and says he needs to talk to me. He prefaced it with “now just hear me out and don’t get upset until I finished.” He said he had been to talk to an attorney. I of course went off! He said “I haven’t done anything yet” I said “So” you’ve still thought enough about it to go talk to one and that’s just great because I think I’m pregnant! Well all of a sudden his demeanor changes and he’s all excited at the prospect of being a father! I’m still reeling from him telling me he’d talked to an attorney. Well, we tried make a go of it but I was too hurt and didn’t trust him and he didn’t give me any reason to trust him. When I confirmed I was pregnant, I left. My thoughts at that time were “You might treat me like crap but you’re not treating my baby like that!” I cared more about the unborn child I was carrying than I did about myself.

Wow! This is getting too long so I will quit for tonight and pickup tomorrow.

Wednesday, 01 February 2006

Another week is almost over! The time just seems to be passing me like cars on the interstate and I’m in the slow lane! UGH. I don’t know what’s going on.

I thought I would give you an update on my grandmother. She is continuing to improve. They have her in “skilled care” in the hospital. In Texas I think they call that “swing bed”. I don’t really understand it but it has something to do with Medicare.

The community is still very shaken up over the recent death of a 16 yr old girl. Her passenger and friend “walked away” from the vehicle. I understand that she is having a hard time with the fact her friend died and she didn’t.  Viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is 10AM Friday. Kids who are attending the funeral will be given an excused absence. There is criteria they have to meet but it’s not necessary for me to go into it.

Doyle was at work today. Came home and had lunch. I was so sleepy I laid down for a bit. I then got up and went to the scrapbook store. Cat is in Vegas for a Scrapbook convention and my friend Kelly is manning the place. I worked on that Valentine book that I started in the class I took last week. I got four more pages down. It’s not a big book but there is lots of measuring and cutting. It just takes time. It just made me realize how bad I am with fractions! I don’t know how many pieces I’ve had to recut because I measured wrong! I’ll take pictures when I get through. It’s a little more fruffee (sp – don’t even know if it’s a word!) than I like but I thought it couldn’t hurt me to learn some new techniques and “think outside the box”!

I left the scrapbook store and went to the horses to feed them. I have to work at Drive Safe the next three nights because I had swapped to be off last weekend. It’s kind of tough when I have to work three in a row and they have extended my hours back to 10PM. I don’t like swapping but it can’t be helped sometimes. This swap will make me work two weekends in a row. Oh well, it doesn’t happen all the time. I’ll be glad though when I can lay this job down and get that part of my life back!

I wanted to share the last session of the Ladies Retreat with you 

• It’s easier to control than confront.
• You only have power to confront when you release control
• You never confront without humility (how did Abigail confront David? She feel at his feet)
• Do not confront until you have a heart of compassion for the one you need to confront.
• Someone has to be the healer. Someone has to be the one to take the blame.
• Don’t have a quick comeback and don’t try to defend yourself

Here's Perri (co-youth pastor with her husband and Pastor's daughter)showing off her many talents. As you can tell she's not be very serious!

Perri again with her guitar. Still not being serious! She also plays percussion and mandolin. She's an artist as well. Remember the characters in our children's rooms I posted pictures of? She painted them.

Here's me playing guitar Saturday night, Perri playing the drum and Karen (our pastor's wife) leading worship and playing keyboard. Thanks to Kelly for getting this pic for me.

L to R Mary Dunham Faulkner our speaker. Karen our pastor's wife, Perri behind her and Sherri Friend in the black T-shirt. Thanks to Kelly for getting this pic.

 

At the cross. This was called the vesper. A little amphitheater type area with a place to build a fire right in front of the cross beside the Paluxy River.

L to R Dru Sell, Irene Purcell, Sherri Friend and ME!

  

Hope ya'll enjoy!